Advice | Ask Sahaj: A reader feels “flummoxed and infuriated” after their mom lied for a year about having cancer.
You say it feels manipulative that your mom lied to you, and you’re not wrong. She tried to control and maintain your perception of her and her reality. However, I would argue that if your mom was trying to manipulate you in a malicious way, she would have used her illness to control you. Ask yourself: Did your mom hide this from you toyou? This may help you see that she made her choice from a place of love, even if it’s a drastically different choice than you wanted.
Accepting this won’t make it feel okay that she didn’t tell you, and you should absolutely find safe relationships, or a professional, to process your emotions. But if you keep focusing on what you believe is right, you will continuously fall short on understanding theYour mom made a choice about what she wanted to share with you, regardless of whether you agree with her decision. It’s not fair that she lied to you. It’s painful that she didn’t trust you with this information.
I am curious how conversations in the past have gone with your mom, and how successful boundaries have been. It sounds like you stepped back at one point but things have either returned or stayed the same. You may be able to find middle ground by challenging your mom. You have different options for how to broach this conversation:“You say you love me, but by hiding this, you actually hurt me and took away an opportunity for us to get closer. It’s hurting our relationship.
You don’t want to end this conversation without setting shared expectations. This may sound like: “This was really hurtful and it can’t happen again. Can we please talk about how we can avoid this moving forward? ” Or, “For us to help you when you move here, I need to be up to date on your health to be an advocate for you in this country.”Your mom may or may not be open to hearing that she hurt you.
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