Grappling with grief can carve out room for hope.
I worry that my pregnancy won’t stick—it’s early, and the road through this socially-isolated first trimester feels bleak. I worry that if this pregnancy does last, something else terrible and undefinable will arise later down the line. I worry about, where stories echo from hospital wards about isolated labors and COVID-19 exposures. I worry about missing those millions of moments along the way, those forever-shared milestones between partners, which are now thresholds I must cross solo.
I worry that after I carry this pregnancy to term, after I make it through a successful labor, I’ll then struggle to “” during an extended public health crisis that requires family and friends to quarantine for weeks before contact. That our child won’t meet their immune-compromised grandparents or their nurse auntie who works the frontlines.
I worry this world will never turn around, that we’ll never collectively course correct. That we’ll leap at the first pseudo greenlight and go pedal-to-the-metal, back to our breakneck quest for better, faster,. I worry our time is up, that our centuries of ignorance and greed have finally caught up, that bringing a child into our disastrous, irreversible reality is irresponsible, or worse still, setting them up for a lifetime of suffering.
And yet, I’m told by friends who are raising their own children that there’s a word for this mindset that spans anticipation and unease, faith and fear. That a term already exists that encapsulates this continual confrontation of the void—this ability to move forward, and foster hope, amid never-ending uncertainty: parenting.
One thing I am certain of, regardless of pregnancy stages, potential birthing plans, and pandemics, is that under it all, I’m grateful for the chance to once again grapple with the liminal. It seems that while engaging and disengaging and reengaging with the grief so tightly encircling my infertility, somewhere along the way I learned some baseline steps for what’s turning out to be a lifelong dance with the unknown.
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