AskPolly: “Do I need to go on some sort of 12-step program? Or is it normal and kinda good to have a nemesis that encourages you to do better?” hhavrilesky advises
I’ve been with my husband for 13 years. We met when I was quite young, and I have to say, without tooting my horn, that we’re pretty happy. We have two sweet kids, we both run interesting businesses, and we have lived in four different countries together. He’s a seriously amazing co-parent, cooks like a professional chef, and only sometimes feels the need to lecture me about my inability to put the lid on the toothpaste.
It might sound insane, but I think all the while I have been watching her, she has also been watching me. Often I would see a reflection of what I had done in her work, or a pointed jab made to something I had published or worked on in her posts. Recently, she started a business based on an idea that I had originally launched, in a similar format and tone and using the same contributors and tagline. And in case you think I’m just nuts, she also continually blocks and unblocks me on social media.
And before you tell me to quit this and get another hobby, I’m a gal with plenty of hobbies. In fact, I turned one of them into a business and then a franchise. That’s work now but still, I do lots to keep me sane. When I spend time with friends, I realize that I have more interests than most women — I do yoga, run daily, read a wide range of news, and sing in my spare time.
You even created an email address for this letter so I’d never figure out who you are. So even as you stalk your nemesis, learning more and more about her perspective and her experience, you erase your own steps. You’re a clear communicator; your letter is detailed and never murky, and rarely ambivalent in any impeachable way. Even though we’re talking about your husband’s ex, your husband himself “barely registers in this situation.
I believe that what you really want to know is why you can’t feel your success. I think you’re wondering if there’s more to life than this. Maybe you need a new nemesis, which is just another way of saying maybe you need another way to feel your way forward, toward a new goal or a new life that might fulfill you more than this one does. You’re doing everything right.
I’m not dissing anyone who loves to have a bastion of nemeses at their fingertips, for entertainment, for an addictive fix, for amusement, for someone to blame when things go wrong, for someone to remind you how you DON’T want to proceed. Roxane Gay has mentioned her nemesis often, and I love that she’s willing to unapologetically admit that she’s a competitive person and she’s pragmatic about giving herself what she needs to move forward.
So I say drop this nemesis and never look back. Let her become a tiny figure in your rearview mirror. Let her disappear completely so that, if you saw her on the street, you’d wonder what the fuss was about. You might have to mourn her. You might feel empty without her, for a while. You might start to want her in your actual life, as an actual friend, even.
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