We needs school back open in the fall and the only way that’s going to happen is if we all STAY THE FUCK HOME RIGHT NOW.
What was that, Frank? You want to get back to work? Oh believe me, I know! I just took a conference call from my closet, Frank. I was discussing terms of a contract over my underwear drawer while my son yelled from the bathroom that his poop looked weird. And you know who else wants to go back to work, Frank? My kid’s second grade teacher who right now is organizing home lesson plans for 22 students while also trying to manage her own school-age children. None of this was in her job description.
But okay, for argument’s sake, let’s play this out. We throw caution to the wind and open all these restaurants and shops and beaches and it’s great for about a week. Then Gary over there–yes, you Gary–starts coughing. He gets a temp and ends up in the hospital. And since we were all together celebrating, we’re all at risk. And guess what that means? Another shutdown.
Okay. I have to go. My son has a Zoom call with his entire kindergarten class in five minutes and I think he’s locked himself in the cabinet under the sink. Now, listen, I know this request probably won’t go over well with a lot of you. In fact, I’m sure you’ll want to call me all sorts of names, but if it makes you feel any better, my kids have come up with much worse over the last six weeks. So instead, just take a deep breath. If that doesn’t work, go hide in the bathroom and scream into a towel. It helps, I promise. And remember: we all want the same thing.
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