BOSTON—Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems.
While conveying a desire to support the hapless man through his debilitating predicaments, concerned sources said that because none of them had ever been afflicted with a seasonal cold, felt occasional fatigue at work, suffered a romantic rejection, or become uncomfortably hungry, it was hard to do anything more than express their profound sorrow for his baffling circumstances and offer whatever consoling words they could.
“It’s hard to believe that things actually arise in the course of his life that impede his plans, making his day more difficult. I don’t know how anyone can deal with that.”“Last week, I saw Doug using the office printer, and it was actually malfunctioning on him right before a meeting—it took me a while to even figure out what was going on, because I had no idea something like that could happen,” said Peter Banks, Belson’s supervisor at work. “After that, I thought, ‘My God, this poor man.
“It’s hard to believe that things actually arise in the course of his life that impede his plans, making his day more difficult,” Banks added. “I don’t know how anyone can deal with that.”One friend told reporters she was deeply shaken after Belson mentioned he was having trouble with his landlord and then, an entire week later, told her the matter had yet to be resolved.
In addition, those close to Belson said they were left staggered after discovering he is sometimes beset by multiple problems at the same time, making him the sole individual in existence who in a single day has to contend with such issues as making a student loan payment on time, the inconvenience of a long line at his favorite lunch place, and anxiety over whether he drinks too much.
“Really, when you consider everything he has to go through, it’s incredible he only complains to everybody around him a few dozen times a day,” he added.
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