Dear Amy: My childhood friend of almost 50 years recently lost a child to suicide. We usually only call one another on our birthdays, and I have not physically seen her in almost 20 years.
Your shame has sent you into a self-punishing spiral. Now that you have processed your own behavior, you really should stop making this about you.
You have no way of knowing how this tragedy has affected your friend. You should assume that she received, read and appreciated your thoughtful note, but this sort of communication does not beg a response , and so do not think that the ball is in her court. You should call your friend, even though it isn’t her birthday. Do not continue to apologize for or explain your reaction to her child’s death. Don’t make references to your own trauma. Simply tell her that she continues to be in your daily thoughts, and ask her how she is doing. And then listen to her with thoughtful compassion. If she doesn’t want to talk about her loss, then segue into other topics that you two have traditionally discussed.
Last week she told me how impolite it is for me to never eat anything while she does because she feels she shouldn’t be eating “alone,” and it makes her not enjoy her food. I was stunned and yet politely assured and reminded her that I am not being rude but simply do not eat in-between meals .I was hurt and felt as though she was treating me as one of her children, husband, or work colleague.Did I need to reply by saying I watch my weight and do not eat or enjoy unhealthy donuts and such mindlessly all day or explain a health problem?I do not want to be impolite, wasteful, lose my friend or be berated like this again.
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