“Some things should never be used as weapons to bludgeon each other with. But you two don’t have any boundaries. You’re locked in battle, and the only way to get an edge on the competition is to raise the stakes”
By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy. Dear Polly,
Yes, my biological clock went into overdrive. We had talked about kids here and there, and he was always like “Someday …” Staring down the barrel of my mid-30s, I realized I would have to press the issue. After speaking to him reasonably didn’t produce any momentum, I finally delivered an ultimatum: Get me pregnant or let me go. So we got pregnant. He seemed happy — was happy, I think.
It’s hard to overstate the ensuing panic, but it led him to find a good job in an industry that doesn’t make him want to set something on fire. For a while, I thought this would make everything better. His mood improved. He wasn’t exactly optimistic, but he wasn’t like Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club either. It seemed like we were on an upward trajectory.
This all came to a head last January, when I stopped being able to tolerate the passive-aggressive jibes and lack of intimacy and booted him out of our bed. I was feeling completely tapped out after years of trying to manage our lives on my own and just choking on Bell Jar–flavored bile. Meanwhile, he was greeting all my requests for help with complaints about my “bad decisions.
There has been a lot of fighting. Every day I live with the guilt of what all of this has done to our kids. All I can say is that everything seems normal until it doesn’t anymore. It’s been months , Polly, and I still can’t decide. I’m stuck at a crossroads between awful and traumatic and I don’t know which turn to take. I know I am not guiltless in any of this, but I genuinely just want what’s best for everyone. None of the options in front of me are good, and I honestly can’t see a clear path toward happiness for any of us regardless of what I choose. Help me please?You and your husband are playing for opposing teams. When you want something, you defeat him to get it.
I do understand your anger at him. I also understand why he’d be frustrated with you. Either way, some things should never be used as weapons to bludgeon each other with. But you two don’t have any boundaries. You’re locked in battle, and the only way to get an edge on the competition is to raise the stakes. But being locked in battle essentially means that you never commit to each other, not really. Yet you both also refuse to take responsibility for yourselves.
Notice how you’re starting to see the good things about your husband, now that you have a job and take care of yourself more. You’re less invested in the battle for the first time, and that makes it possible to relax and enjoy the life you’ve built together, the kids you’re raising. But you’re still protecting yourself by sleeping in another room and staying on the fence about whether to stay together or not. I get that you feel like you can’t reach him, that he won’t open up to you.
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