'The choice I made has haunted me most of my adult life, revisiting my thoughts unexpectedly.'
Guest Writer"My grief didn’t begin with my father’s death. I lost him at eight. And it was often harder to be with him and feel that loss when he was alive," the author writes.Everything I know about dad is what I have seen in other people’s fathers, how I have witnessed my husband behave with our children, what I have read about, or what I have watched in the movies. My own story never really had a dad in it.
After I mailed the letter, I checked the mail every day awaiting his response. A few weeks later, it came. I don’t remember much of what it said except two sentences, “You could learn a lot from a dog. Don’t shit where you eat.” A few months into our reconciliation, after two years of struggling with infertility, my husband and I started the process of IVF. It was then I began ignoring my father’s calls. I couldn’t bear him being a part of it. The experience was too personal; I was too raw. My body was bruised from endless shots, my emotions dizzy from the hormones. I didn’t have it in me to keep the charade going in the midst of it.
I decided I could not. I received updates on the progression of his disease but never went to see him myself. Sometimes, I think about that fact. A lot of times, I don’t tell people that fact. Almost always, I don’t think anyone would really understand unless they had a childhood with a man who may have been a father but was never a dad.
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