HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Saying that his rude and obnoxious behavior should have come as a surprise to absolutely no one, classroom sources confirmed Monday that Kyle was acting like a petulant little shit in third period. “I’m trying to get these kids to focus for long enough to actually learn a thing or two about the Weimar Republic, and look who pipes up with some snide wisecrack to try to impress the girls in class,” said U.S. history teacher Gary Bennington, noting that a semester and a half of enduring Kyle’s terrible attitude and complete lack of respect had finally pushed him to the breaking point. “I kicked that mean-spirited little puke out of my class. I think it made some of the other kids uncomfortable, but honestly, it took everything I had not to reach across my desk and smack that smug smile off his fucking face. You can ask any teacher here: Kyle is an asshole, his brother Tom was an asshole, and I have no doubt that when his sister Madison starts next year, she’ll be an asshole, too.” At press time, Bennington was reportedly sitting silently in his parked car as he tried to collect himself before fourth period.
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BREAKING: Mr. Bennington Completely Lost His Shit In 3rd PeriodHASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Saying that the U.S. history teacher had freaked out over basically nothing, classroom sources confirmed Monday that Mr. Bennington completely lost his shit in third period. “We were in the middle of a unit on World War II and Kyle was just sort of talking with some friends, and all of a sudden, Mr. Bennington shouted ‘For crying out loud, Kyle!’ and slammed his fist down really hard on his desk,” said student Meredith Lynn, recalling that the normally affable teacher had been so incensed that he even yelled at Julie and Devon who had only been listening to Kyle and hadn’t even made a peep. “There was a vein popping out of his forehead, and he goes, ‘Get the Hell out of my class’—he actually said ‘Hell’—and makes Kyle pack up and leave. And even after he calmed down, it was still super intense. He just had us all read quietly for the rest of the period until the bell rang.” At press time, sources reported that Mr. Bennington hadn’t yet shown up for his fourth-period class.
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