'Sometimes, distance from your family of origin is what’s best.'
to protect ourselves, and our children. These are acts of courage, but in our society, where the nuclear family still feels more like an edict than one of many alternatives, separating from your family of origin still feels like something to be ashamed of. As if there is something unnatural about how you relate to others. After all, what sociopath can’t get on with their own family? It turns out: many, many of us out there, living in secret embarrassment and loneliness.
My husband grew up in a family that shuffled unwanted conversations under the rug, averting their eyes to individual pain if it came at any cost to the collective goodwill. Difference was not tolerated in either of our households. When my daughter was born, all perfect folds and wide eyes and seeking lips, I vowed to value the family I created with my husband and her above either of our families of origins.
I told myself we could create a family of our own. After all, I am much closer to my friends than my relatives. They know my secrets and dreams. When our family got sick last fall, my friends dropped food on our doorsteps. They sent workbooks and toys for my daughter. None of my husband’s siblings checked in on us through convalescence or afterwards. These friends remember anniversaries and birthdays. They send cards for the first day of school.
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