Internet dating can feel soul-destroying, unnerving and transactional. Couples explain how their love lives were transformed when they finally stopped swiping
hen Georgie Thorogood’s date made a sleazy joke about “horsey girls carrying whips”, she knew it was time to make a hasty exit. After meeting Tom through a dating app in the summer of 2021, she had been hoping for some polite conversation over a few drinks, maybe some romantic chemistry if she was lucky. What she got was a two-hour rant about his ex-wife and some creepy innuendo. “I knew straight away he wasn’t for me.
The apps offer users a potential army of attractive suitors at their fingertips, so it’s no surprise that they become more picky. Claire Davis, 43, a personal trainer from London, stopped using them in 2015 because she hated the “shopping lists” of demands, as well as the lack of boundaries. “One guy told me he wanted children on the first date, which was really intense,” she says. “It was like he was checking off things he wanted in a partner.
While dating apps encourage users to select their dates by criteria such as height, age or occupation, real-world encounters can bring us face to face with people we might not usually consider. Payal Sumaria, 41, says she never would have met her boyfriend, Sagar Patel, 29, through an app, due to the gap in their ages. “We met at the wedding of a mutual friend in May last year. When we started chatting, there was no intention – we were just two people having a conversation,” she says.
‘Because we met in real life, I had the chance to work out what I wanted over time’ … Claire and James Davis.Payal says she struggled with apps because they exacerbated her anxiety. “My mum died when I was young, which left me with some issues around abandonment. I’ve done a lot of work in the past few years to build my self-esteem, but apps made it worse.” In 2020, she met a man who was particularly cruel. “He came on really strong for a few dates and then panicked.
Another date “kicked off” when she offered to buy him an ice-cream. “He thought I was insinuating that he couldn’t afford to buy one himself. It was completely bizarre,” she says. “It made me realise there’s a lot less accountability online. People can’t keep up a facade if you meet them through your local community. But through an app, you get to know people as a solo entity, rather than with their friends or family.
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