When things go wrong, it doesn't help to blame ourselves—or even other people. Here's a better way to handle life's curveballs, writes fdbarthlcsw
behind this search is often that if we understand the cause, we can do something about it–we can have what psychotherapists call “agency” over the situation. Thus, if we’re responsible for the problem, we can change our own behaviors or attitudes or thoughts, or feelings to make things better. And if we think that someone else is responsible, thenbecause changing someone–ourselves or someone else– is a difficult undertaking.
I also want to be their good and loving son, which means I don’t want to be angry or irritated with them, and I want to be able to be there with them. I don’t want to be disappointed, left out, or criticized for not getting there. Marcos could feel bad about not being at the party and be angry at his parents, himself, and the fates. He could also recognize that anyone could do nothing about the situation except express all of their mixed and confusing feelings about it.
When Hazel came to grips with the reality that she could not have prevented the miscarriage, she took responsibility for her bad feelings. Acknowledging that she was sad and angry, hurt and disappointed, and badly confused that she had not been able to have that baby, she said, “It’s hard to admit that it’s no one’s fault. I want to blame someone, even if it’s myself. But that doesn’t actually make me feel better.
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