Col Clausen and Laura Aisbett found solace in each other after experiencing the sudden death of their partners. Their story explores the complexities of grief, healing, and the surprising capacity for love to blossom even in the face of profound loss.
One sunny spring day, Col Clausen came home to find his wife Sheree slumped on the bathroom floor. One cold winter night, Laura Aisbett discovered her husband Stuart lifeless in the shed. But he had three teenage sons to care for. The Victorian police officer would fall apart as he drove past local sites significant to Sheree and him, then refocus for the boys. Family helped, friends rallied, but one of the places Col found most cathartic was a social media site for young widows and widowers.
'I found a group of people that knew what I was going through,' Col says. 'All of our journeys were different, everyone is there to offer advice, whether it be coronial things, dealing with kids, family, friends, loss.' Laura was on the site, too. It was mid-2022 and she'd just put up an emotional post after being on television talking about sudden cardiac arrest, the unexpected failure of the heartbeat which kills five times more people under 50 each year than road fatalities. As Col read her post, he was struck by Laura's words and courage — and the similarities between his pain and hers. Sheree's death nine months prior at the age of 44 had been put down to sudden cardiac arrest, too. Like Col, Laura was blindsided by the death of her seemingly healthy and fit partner. Neither was looking for love. They had it; deeply, devotedly with the spouse who died, and, say Col and Laura, they still hold that love inside them, along with their grief. 'The human capacity to love isn't limited' Just what is the mourning period for a partner? Six weeks, six months, six years? How soon can you let love in after grief has taken root in your heart? Before Sheree's death, before meeting Laura, Col believed he had a fair idea of what was too soon. He would have been 'horrified' at the suggestion he'd find another love within 10 months of losing his wife of 19 years. Col wrestled with how to talk to his sons about their mother's death. He knew those conversations would be pivotal. Col's own mother died suddenly before his second birthday and when his sister, Jen, was a baby. Soon after, their father met a woman who would become their stepmum and when Col was five, they moved from Sydney to Melbourne. The upheaval caused conflict at home. As he grew up, Col found it hard to accept his father's decision, and his stepmum. 'I thought Dad must have stopped loving mum pretty quickly to be able to start a new relationship,' Col says. He used to think his dad was weak. Now, he says, 'I see strength'. 'He found a way forward,' says Col, who has since been able to talk with his 86-year-old father about the challenges — and judgements — they both faced as widowers. Col says while no one can replace Sheree (pictured in the early days of their relationship), he's confident she would be happy for him. 'I think we're conditioned within our culture and Western society to think you have to be over a loss or the death of a spouse before you can move forward or before you can love again,' Col says. 'What I've learned out of this is that's just not the case at all. But it took me to experience it myself before I understood that. What I've learned human capacity to love isn't limited. You can still love what was and then love again.' None of that was on Laura's mind when she messaged Col back. She just felt the need to help someone who was going through something she understood painfully well. Her life had changed dramatically since that winter night when she lay in the mud, sobbing uncontrollably, in the moments after Stuart was pronounced dead. The childhood sweethearts who'd been together 18 years had just moved into their dream home, the place they'd planned to raise a family. Grief and joy ricocheted inside her. 'That pregnancy was incredibly difficult because it was so emotional,' Laura says. 'Of course, you want things to be different. Of course, you want your partner with you to go through that journey with you. But we've now got a beautiful daughter, Dulcie. And I wouldn't change her for anything.' They talked for hours. They confided about their feelings of inadequacy for not being able to save their spouse. About raising children without their partner. About how, before their worlds fell apart, they thought a heart attack, caused by a blockage, was the same as sudden cardiac arrest, caused by a fault in the heart's electrical system. Soon, they organised to meet for a walk. 'I felt like it was just an instant connection,' says Laura, a social researcher. 'Knowing what we'd both been through and what we both are still going through, I can't really explain it, but something just felt right.' Col knows his decision to begin a relationship with Laura within about nine months of Sheree's death is difficult for some to understand. He's lost friends over it. 'I spent a long time, my whole life, sort of judging my dad for moving forward with his life really quickly and jumping into a new relationship and here I was, doing exactly the same thing,' he says
LOVE GRIEF WIDOWHOOD SUDDEN DEATH SOCIAL SUPPORT HEALING RELATIONSHIPS
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