Estrangement is a painful and complex experience, often stemming from long-term conflict, unmet emotional needs, or boundary violations. Experts recommend seeking professional support to gain an objective perspective and make informed decisions about reconciliation or acceptance. Personal stories highlight the emotional toll and the journey toward healing.
Estrangement is a painful and complex relationship experience, whether you've become estranged or are the one who has cut ties with a loved one. We asked experts how you can begin healing from estrangement, whether that is through reconciliation or finding peace in accepting the relationship breakdown.
Estrangement is the emotional or physical separation between people where a formerly close relationship becomes distant, hostile, or ceases entirely. Counsellor Poli Zoungas, who works on Gadigal land in Sydney and in Naarm/Melbourne, says estrangement may involve:"For many people, estrangement is not a single event but the result of long-term conflict, unmet emotional needs, boundary violations, or deep misunderstandings," Ms Zoungas says.
Rachael Sharman, a lecturer and researcher in psychology from the University of the Sunshine Coast, on Kabi Kabi lands, recommends people impacted by estrangement seek professional support.
"It's not necessarily to deal with your emotions, it's just to add a bit of an objective framework," she says. "And then people can see a little bit more clearly what's going on in the relationship. " Dr Sharman says that can also help people make decisions about whether they wish to continue the estrangement or if reconciliation is possible. "Whether you are seeking reconciliation, understanding, or peace … you do not have to navigate estrangement alone.
"Get a mid-week boost and receive easy recipes, wellbeing ideas, and home and garden tips in your inbox every Wednesday. You’ll also receive a monthly newsletter of our best recipes. After initiating a year-long estrangement from her parents, Anna, from New South Wales says she was "tired from the weight of the family hurt".
"Working through both the ambiguous loss that comes from not having grown up in the safety of a healthy parent-child relationship and the impact it's had on my adult relationships. ""I slowly allowed them back into my life," she says. "Ultimately, I had to find a degree of peace with the reality that my parents will likely never fully recognise and understand the harm. She says boundaries in the relationship were established in an "unspoken way".
"I believe our estrangement spoke volumes … I think everyone is more mindful of each other's expectations and limits," she says. "I don't believe we'll ever achieve real closeness due to our differences and the lack of trust between us, however we function as a family, which is a positive outcome. "Ms Zoungas says in her experience, every estrangement dynamic is different and what works for one may not work for another.
"There is research to suggest that people kind of come and go in each other's lives for a variety of different reasons. Our experts say it's important to recognise that there are certain situations where reconciliation is not safe or appropriate.
"I've heard from a lot of people who got sucked into the old deathbed reconciliation," she says. "'Your mother's dying, your father's dying etc', and in their head the child's thinking that this is going to be some sort of closure or some sort of apology or reparations. " if you get any hint that there's still that background issue with that person, it might be best to let sleeping dogs lie. "
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