Qian Julie Wang answers your letters.
I am a deeply jealous person. I’m not exaggerating: I am jealous of every person who has ever looked at my husband or been in his company. He had a long dating history before me, and during our first few years together, I wished upon each and every one of his exes slow death by immolation. This has little to do with him—he has a habit of bragging about me to everyone he meets within seconds. It has everything to do with me, and I suspect, my upbringing as an only child in poverty.
But it sounds like you are so used to being a good and bighearted person that you reject all of the little goblin parts of yourself that are inherent to being a real live human being. There are surely those who will fight me on this, but I posit that experiencing jealousy is a natural part of being alive—just as natural as feeling an urge to yell at the person who cuts us in line. But society is not great at allowing us to embrace our goblin parts.
You say that you hate what you are feeling and feel ashamed. Brene Brown writes that shame needs three things to grow: “secrecy, silence and judgment.” I see all three reflected in your letter: You’re not able to share your experience of jealousy; you judge it and hate that it exists. I suggest starting with the judgment part: Please forgive yourself for being human.You mention that you started a new sport. You can play tennis all you want and even make your way to competing in the U.S.
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