“Yeah, so far, feeling very level-headed about it! But also still got the nice squiggly tummy feels.”
, but it also sucks the joy out of it, too. It stops you from enjoying what were fun experiences so that it becomes harder and harder to persuade yourself to go on another date. It closes you off from the good things coming your way, the person who actually does like you, and it only serves to reinforce the negative thoughts you have about yourself.
Fantasising all the time, like I do, isn’t much better. Actually, I think it’s a worse way to be. It sets you up for a big fall when things don’t work out, because you’re no longer losing someone you went on three dates with, but someone you deeply care about, who’s occupied your mind for weeks. I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself to see things from a gloomier perspective – to assume the worst – only to find myself, seconds later, boomeranging back to planning our wedding. Or to him, handing over a big hoodie for me to head home in, one that’s still soft because it hasn’t been through the wash yet.
“The point is, you just don’t really know what they’re thinking,” a friend said. “Them telling you about getting bullied in high school could be because they really do feel more comfortable with you than anyone they’ve ever met, or it could be that they’re a chronic oversharer. You just have to lean into the uncertainty. Ride the wave.”
A week later, another friend and I were in a café looking at her ex’s Instagram profile. There was a photo of him scoring during a five-a-side game; another of him backflipping into a big, blue swimming pool; and then him on a cliff with his arm looped around another woman, their noses pink, the wind blowing their hair into their mouths.
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