Your mum intertwines love with stuff so acknowledge her feelings before addressing the practicalities – and be patient, says Philippa Perry
Your mum intertwines love with stuff so acknowledge her feelings before addressing the practicalities – and be patientMy mam has shared painful memories of her childhood. She grew up in poverty and her parents struggled. In her adult life, Mam and Dad saved and paid for everything in cash, and I wanted for nothing when growing up. She worked hard and spent her spare money on collectible porcelain, antiques and furniture, a lot of which she has already handed down to me.
You don’t want to hurt her. You seem to have the sort of lovely relationship where you tell each other everything, so I doubt you could feel happy about going behind her back.A shopping addiction, like any addiction, works as a distraction from emotions that we find difficult to sit with. Maybe it’s the memories of poverty she is protecting herself from. I don’t know. Will she ever be able to invest in a savings plan rather than stuff? Right now, I doubt it. But maybe there is a way forward.
What such a sentence does is articulate for her how she feels – you need to do this so that she feels understood. When she does appreciate that you get how she feels, you can address – not your practical problem yet – but how to soothe her feelings. So you might continue with something like: “But I didn’t pass your love along with it, I kept that for myself, I only gave her the bed because she needed it and I needed the space. I still have the love you put into it.
If you start with the practicalities, missing out how her feelings are entwined, she’ll get more upset and not be able to see it from your point of view at all. So stay with how much she loves you, how generous she is and how demonstrative she is and how grateful you are, before you move on to talking about different ways of holding on to love.with Stacey Solomon .
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