Figuring out how to support a loved one – without getting so caught up that we end up struggling ourselves – can feel like walking a tightrope
‘Dialectical behaviour therapy encourages a balance between opposites.’Photograph: Getty Imagesn a world fraught with unpredictability we are all seeing an increase in reported mental illness. For those of us working on thefrontline, we are also noticing more people who may not have a mental illness but are feeling distressed and grappling with difficult life challenges. When the person who is distressed is a loved one, figuring out how to help them can be a struggle.
The hardest parts are the feelings of helplessness and despair. I feel despair that this adult seems childish and at 30 years old is unable to build herself a stable and fulfilling life. She burns out relationships and doesn’t stick at any jobs. And I feel helpless because I’ve learned that handing over money is a mistake; giving advice is pointless; and doing things for her will be misconstrued. But at other times I see flashes of the happy girl she was.
Putting this theory into action for John has meant practising holding dual realities – sometimes he wants to help his daughter and sometimes he wants to avoid her. During some conversations he feels hopeful, during others hopeless again, and each of these dual realities are valid and true. One of the strategies that has helped John to get more comfortable with this dual perspective is a coping skill used by psychologists who practise DBT called holding the “and”.
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