The show has remained my annual obsession for four decades. I have never shown a partner such commitment
‘I know the best times, the short cuts and how to score the best discounts. It’s so diligently arranged I could cry. But I don’t – that’s not on the schedule.’‘I know the best times, the short cuts and how to score the best discounts. It’s so diligently arranged I could cry. But I don’t – that’s not on the schedule.’Last modified on Thu 22 Sep 2022 18.32 BSToffers a magical aroma that combines sugar, horse shit and capitalism. Oh, how I’ve missed the Royal Melbourne Show.
But having fun takes work – and ruthless planning. That’s why I have a spreadsheet with a detailed itinerary of the perfect show day, honed from many, many visits – up to three a year. I know how to get to each ride, exhibit, show and competition well ahead of the crowds. I know the best times, the short cuts and how to score the best discounts. It’s so diligently arranged, so perfect, I could cry. But I don’t – that’s not on the schedule.
The only ride I refuse to go on is the haunted house, where people dress up like ghouls and randomly jump out and scare you. Sorry, but I don’t need to pay $9 for that – I’m a woman who lives in the world, that’s my reality.When the fatigue starts to hit – which I have scheduled for 2.15pm – I sit down to watch my favourite competition, woodchopping. None of it makes sense, yet I’m hypnotised by the dull, rhythmic thump of metal slicing into wood.
On the way out comes one of the quaintest parts of the show – the art, craft and cookery pavilion. Generally, I like to walk around the glass cabinets of fruit cakes, noting those awarded prizes and trying to work out why those cakes won because – quite frankly – all fruit cake is disgusting.
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