In dreading this date, I am not unique. The other day I took a straw poll among 20 friends and found only two had positive feelings about it
. I took every opportunity to bring her gifts, cards and hugs. She was, I felt sure, my best friend and ally: the person whose death I obsessively worried about, the one I loved most in the world and whose attention I incessantly craved.
Secondly, I find Mother’s Day upsetting. I can no longer celebrate my relationship with my mother because I have realised that what she calls love doesn’t match my definition: protection, guidance, curiosity and unconditional love. In fact, the maternal relationship that once felt essential to my physical and emotional survival, now feels more like an empty shell., I finally took the leap and entered therapy.
At 40 I left therapy. I was in lots of ways a different person, less malleable, more compassionate and less self-absorbed. The healthier my mental state became, however, the more my relationship with mum – and my desire to celebrate her on Mother’s Day – deteriorated.
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