It must be hard having both children live so far away. Try to find a place you can explore your grief and loss – and avoid comparing your life to that of your friends
My husband and I have two daughters who emigrated some years ago to two different countries on the other side of the world. Since then, they have married local people and have each started a family. My husband and I are in our 70s, having retired from busyalways assumed that we and our daughters, whom we adore, would continue to be close, and that we would play a role eventually in helping them to rear their children. I was wrong.
UKCP-registered psychotherapist Helen Gilbert wondered if you could look at the expectations you had. She said: “I got the sense a lot of this is you comparing what your friends do, but not everyone sees their grandchildren every day, or even that often.” We wondered how old the grandchildren were and if you’d always had that expectation.
When we raise our children we are the centre of their world and for a long time they need us, and come back to us a lot, either literally or emotionally; we can take their presence a little for granted. But suddenly they fledge and they are off, and this can be hard. It could be a different job, or a relationship, or their own change in status from daughter to mother that tips this. But that bit – the fledging – sounds like it happened a while ago, hence me asking you ‘why now?’.
Avoiding the Zoom calls isn’t the right way to go as your daughters may misconstrue your motives; when we try to hide our emotions we can come across as detached. Perhaps if you had them more often, if this were possible they wouldn’t become such a “thing”.
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