As identical twins, Lydia and I shared everything, but when she had her second miscarriage a few days before I gave birth, it would test our bond to the limit
was days away from giving birth and was discussing pain relief with my NCT friends when the WhatsApp message came through from my twin sister. “No baby.” To the point. No frills. Just like her. The message, a punch to the stomach, was followed by a sad-face emoji that seemed both insufficient at conveying the agony felt by its sender and utterly devastating in its everyday-ness.
Eight days later, Lydia sent me a voice note. She was anxious: you could hear it in her tone. The Clearblue digital test she’d taken that morning hadn’t shown the correct number of weeks, and the pink dye on a second test seemed duller than the one she’d taken a few days before. She’d Googled, checked the forums, and suspected that her pregnancy was slipping away. She had a blood test that day. It was inconclusive.
The move to our new house, our first home together, is significant because it was when my partner and I had always planned to start trying for a baby. A house together represented stability, security and – in lieu of a wedding cancelled due to Covid – a certain commitment to one another. Except our move came just two days after Lydia started miscarrying. I was due to ovulate the following week and my twin, the closest person to me, my flesh and blood, was still actively losing her baby.
Three weeks later, I took a pregnancy test. There was a whisper of a line. Nothing concrete enough to tell my partner, who I suspected would need the news in black and white. I sat on it until lunchtime when Lydia sent me a message: “How many days past ovulation are you?” I told her. Told her, too, about the whisper. She asked to see a picture. We both agreed there was something there but neither of us could be sure. That night I took another test and the whisper increased by a decibel.
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