'In some ways, [having a child to care for] made it harder.'
. For two weeks, my husband and I had been waiting for this moment, fully expecting labor to begin sooner than we'd previously known possible, but still hoping it wouldn't. At 18 weeks pregnant, my water had broken, completely draining my womb of amniotic fluid. And as a result, losing our baby was almost guaranteed. But even though my body was failing, our baby was healthy with a strong heartbeat, so we decided to continue the pregnancy.
We'd wished for a miracle, but as I kissed my 3-year-old daughter goodbye before rushing to the hospital, it was clear that wasn't going to happen. As my husband sped down the interstate and I gripped the seat of the car while breathing through contractions, I wondered if my baby would even be born alive.
Upon arriving at the hospital, a nurse led me to a room at the very end of the hallway in the Labor and Delivery unit, and a short time later, while checking my progress, my doctor reported that she could feel my baby's head. Thirty minutes later,, and I can honestly say I have never been so devastated. The nurses swaddled him in a tiny blanket covered with pink and blue footprints, and I held him, counting his fingers and considering the ways in which he resembled his sister.
Of course I was grateful for my daughter. But I was still heartbroken. And honestly, having a child to care for didn't make dealing with my loss any easier.The following day, when I left the hospital, I was a different person than I had been just hours earlier. I felt empty, broken, even hopeless as the reality that my baby would forever be an invisible part of our family settled in.
I fell into bed, and if it were up to me, I would have stayed there for months. The grief was paralyzing. There was no longer a due date to look forward to. Or a nursery theme to pick. Or a baby shower to plan. Because there was no longer a baby. And I wanted so desperately for things to be different. Almost immediately, the phone started ringing, and because I couldn't bring myself to speak to anyone, I let it go to voicemail. Texts and emails poured in.
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