7 reasons why an otherwise confident person might stay in a relationship with a partner who degrades or invalidates them
by purposefully underperforming. They believe that, in some way, they will be more in control of the criticism when it is inadvertently coming. They know they could do much better, but withhold that level of performance to keep the bar low. It is a way of “drawing the fire” they can endure and feeling more in control.If children are treated as if they are lucky to get what they get, they will expect their intimate partners to be superior, as their parents once were.
This behavior in adult relationships is often a replay of what they saw in their parents’ relationship or how either of their parents behaved with the other.If a person has been taught that praise is undeserved, he or she may unconsciously seek out relationships that repeat that pattern. As a result, they choose partners who are never satisfied with anything and who consistently point out their errors and inadequacies.
They may defend or argue about the current critiquing they are enduring, but they will not risk that their vulnerabilities and inner needs will be subject to put-downs. As long as the people on the other end of them are criticizing what is evident, they will not have access to anything that might hurt more if taken away.In a very different kind of scenario, there are people who are raised by parents who never find fault of any kind and overly praise their children.
If, as they grow up, they have repeated experiences of not being praised as they were, they are confused. Now those childhood pedestalizing experiences don’t work outside of the bubble in which they were raised. They then not only stop seeking praise but also only believe people who “tell them the truth,” and they can no longer trust compliments or praise of any kind.