Parenting is tough. People often think I must be somehow immune to parenting mistakes. This is not so.
Working from home one morning during the pandemic, I noticed my toddler crawl under a low coffee table to retrieve a favorite toy. Just I was about to call out,"Careful, baby!" like I have countless times, I heard her softly talking to herself."Careful baby. Careful baby. Careful baby." She repeated it like a mantra. She grabs on to the toy and crawls out backwards, keeping her head bowed until she has successfully cleared the table.
As a psychologist, I know the way a parent talks to a child can become internalized; kids will often hear their parents' thoughts as their own. This can be a powerful boost in life for a kid who hears that they're a capable, bright, and lovable. When they hear a different kind of message, however, things don't always work out well.
Recently I've been having sessions with a teenager who was struggling to make friends in school. I noticed he wore crumpled pants and shirts covered in stains, and listened as he told me he would go entire days at school without speaking a word to anyone. On weekends he would lock himself in their room. It became quickly clear to me that this teenager was suffering from intense social anxiety.
Of course, no parent should let their child live in filth, like the case of the teenage boy. Parents have to make sure there is some kind of consequence when children break the rules. It just has to be done in the right way. One simple tip I often give to parents is to separate their child from their child's behavior.
That is, this teen boy is not a disgusting person, even if his choice to leave leftover pizza on his bedside table for a week attracted cockroaches. He's not gross, even though his hygiene practices and food habits call for some serious reforms.But years of addressing this as a professional was not enough to stop me from making the same mistakes at home.
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