'I think it’s actually difficult to say the 'wrong thing,' because it isn’t the words that matter. It’s the acknowledgment, the connection, the access.'
I got the call in the operating room—my father was in a hospital over in New Jersey, in bad shape. He had ruptured an aortic aneurysm and he was being prepared for surgery. Only, he never made it there.
An unlikely agent of mercy sliced through the fog of my misery. A fellow physician, I had, frankly, previously held in little esteem. Yet, after hundreds of my colleagues and co-workers passed me by, he was the one who stepped into my path, fixed my gaze, and spoke to me, clearly and unequivocally. I so needed to truly grieve, and I did. Hard. Long. Painfully. Yet with healing powers enabling me to come to grips with what had happened. To refocus my energies. To reconnect with the world around me. To re-engage life and all that it had to offer. To love my family and friends. To once again laugh and play.
We’ve lost much in jettisoning such rituals. We allow grief to be experienced individually, right when its victim is feeling most detached, most untethered, most alone. Right when they need to debrief their feelings, their thoughts, their anxieties. And we lose the intertwining of lives within the community—strengthening its bonds, deepening its roots.
Breen LJ, et al. Grief Literacy: A Call to Action For Compassionate Communities. Death Stud. 2022;46:425-433. doi: 10.1080/07481187.2020.1739780. Epub 2020 Mar 19. PMID: 32189580
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