'We had sex in three different bathrooms the day we got married in San Francisco City Hall, and I drank so much tequila, the bars turned to fluorescent red pulp.'
The author and her partner, Liam, sitting by the sea in Northern California in January 2022.The year was 2015 and the summer was historic: The Supreme Court had just ruled that all 50 states were required to recognize the marriages of queer couples on the same terms and conditions as the marriages of heterosexual couples. I was 22; my partner, Liam, was 29. Our relationship was new and we wanted to impress each other, so we shared a liter of honey whiskey and danced through San Francisco.
“The question is not why the addiction,” she explained, citing the work of Dr. Gabor Maté, an addiction specialist. “The question is: Why the pain?”Courtesy of Amanda Lezra I took shots of tequila before several counseling sessions. No one commented on my behavior, which made me realize I must have appeared absent even when sober.Can I drink every night without dying?On Jan. 1, 2021, Liam and I decided to stop drinking for the month. After 30 days, a friend invited us over for margaritas. At first the invitation sounded nice: I pictured two or three salty drinks in the sun.
Darkness gave my body space to feel, not look or be looked at. I learned how to stay present: In some ways, sober sex felt like falling in love with someone I’d loved before.
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