'Once during an interview for a documentary, I identified my sexual orientation as both bisexual and kinky.Then everything changed.'
The acronym BDSM stands for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism. It describes the general sexual behaviors—although it certainly does not encompassof them—that kinky folks consensually enjoy. Some people are more aroused by the physical aspect of BDSM, like erotic spanking, while others are turned on by the mental component, such as a dominant partner dictating what her submissive partner should wear.
For me, it was both. I was submissive to dominant lovers inside and outside the bedroom: Some called me epithets I was aroused to hear,, or used nipple clamps. The most exciting lovers kept me mentally on edge, teasing me about the things they wanted to “make” me do, like have sex with strangers while they watched. I sought out kinky partners, knowing that I would feel let down by someone with more vanilla—that is, nonkinky—tastes.
I want to clarify something important: I don’t have any issues with my kinky past and I don’t feel shame over my past desires or previous work. I also know I am not trying to contort myself to fit into a vanilla life to appease D., or for matters of convenience. Rather,was the one who’d changed—but perplexingly, there was no lightning bolt moment that made me “decide” to stop being kinky.
Losing my kinkiness feels like it happened over time, and like would have come about even if I wasn’t with D. In fact, in moments alone, I have replayed some of my, the ones that had always been a surefire way to get me aroused. They no longer get me going, even on the few occasions when I’ve fantasized about someone other than D. And I am fully convinced that if D. and I broke up today, I would not seek out a kinky partner. It’s an intimate language I no longer speak.
“Most people have some fixed erotic themes,” Kolmes told me, noting that some “are accustomed to things looking different in different relationships” while others get “surprised” by changes to those themes. They emphasized that the shift isn’t necessarily a cause for concern. “It’s my view that sexual desire and interest and practices can change and that’s normal and healthy,” they said. “But if someone’s upset about it, I want us to figure out what is upsetting for that person.
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