When I saw a flyer for a ‘men’s group’ in a shop window, I was a young, buttoned-up and newly single father. More than three decades on, the conversations are still changing my life
’s Manhood summarised well the male problems we were trying to tackle: “Loneliness, compulsive competition and lifelong emotional timidity.”
We already were taking on a fair share of domestic duties and, in particular, childcare. – This was unavoidable for me, as my wife and I had negotiated a 50-50 split in the care of our three-year-old daughter and so, for half the week, I wasThe three of us who had turned up for the workshop that day became enthusiastic new members. We met fortnightly in each other’s houses. In the first part of the meeting, each of us would take our turn – without interruption – to give an update on our lives.
Everyone was facing challenges and looked to the group for connection and support, and I was not the only one for whom domestic trauma had led to increased responsibilities. Martin, a teacher whose longstanding partner was killed in a car accident, was bringing up her children as a single father. Steve, a teacher and counsellor, also – like me – had a 50-50 childcare arrangement after separating from his wife, which had left him “totally devastated”.
taking photographs of each other, experimenting with different lighting. We went on short breaks to a beach house in Norfolk, gathering cockles and making fires. For a series of meetings we took it in turns to choose our eight Desert Island Discs, playing them on cassette tapes and explaining why they were important to us.
From that day in 1986, there’s been remarkably little churn; some have left or moved away, two have died