People who check in, even briefly, with their friends underestimate how much those friends appreciate it
In the face of grief, it’s hard to find the right words to say. What matters is that you keep tryingNo one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.after his wife died from cancer. I have thought a lot about these words while bearing witness to my friend’s grief at the sudden death of her mother.
My medical brain is in overdrive. Why did she arrest? Did anyone perform CPR? For how long? What kind of hospital was she in? What did the angiogram show? Grief is the constant companion of so many of my patients, the grief of a cancer diagnosis compounded by the grief of abandonment. Even they who have people bringing them food and driving them to appointments often feel emotionally alone. Many of my elderly patients have lost a spouse; they lament that after the immediate aftermath, well-wishers drop away quickly, leaving them dismayed by the weakness of their relationships exposed.
I can’t help thinking that my good intention runs deep but my words keep missing the mark. Still, I want to obey the first commandment of friendship:about the surprising value of even a brief check-in with one’s friends: “We document a robust underestimation of how much other people appreciate being reached out to.”
Now I decide to take the same approach with my grieving friend. Instead of quietly receding and waiting for her to engage with me, I text a short message most days.The individual messages feel a little lame but I keep hoping that their sum will amount to an embrace.
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