A conversation with the multi-hyphenate It Girl and former dominatrix about her new memoir, the horrible men she has known, and becoming a mom.
,” Fox has become a writer, telling her story with a kind of dissociated, deadpan sweetness born of having experienced several lifetimes’ worth of adventure and disaster by the age of thirty-three.
Fox, obviously, is funny. She’s religious; she prays for a sugar daddy, and gets one—a billionaire who tolerates her heroin habit, supports her fashion ambitions, and pays for her apartment. She seeks psychiatric help after she realizes she’s stocked her bathtub with fish. She takes a-esque road trip to the Louisiana bayou, where she goes fishing and snorts pills and rents a flimsy house on stilts in the Gulf.
When I was pregnant, I thought, like, I’ll hire a night nurse, hire some help. But then he was born, and I thought, I don’t want to miss one moment. And I’m lucky—my family is here in New York, I have a lot of people I can call on. My bestie Emma used to pick him up from day care on Mondays and Fridays and take him to the park for a few hours. And at first I didn’t ask anyone, because it’s really hard for me to ask for help; I really pride myself on being self-sufficient.
You said on your podcast that certain memories were so cringey that you didn’t even want to go back there, but you decided to just put them all in your book anyway. Any examples of what almost didn’t make it in? There are certain details—when you’re in the booking cell and a girl is getting roasted because she has ramen noodles stuck in her weave—Yeah. And then they’d all have completely different memories, and I’d eventually think, O.K., I can reconstruct what happened. That was helpful, but ultimately it felt like this lone journey that I had to go on by myself. I felt like I needed to do it, not because I signed a contract or was on a deadline, but because I just needed to unload all that shit.
I feel like it stopped working. I actually quit smoking weed in May. What really happened is that I kept losing my pen. But I was also going through a sort of transformation, of letting go of things that didn’t serve me anymore.
Also, anytime my parents had ever communicated, it was to fight over money or the lack of it. So, at a young age, I was, like, O.K., money equals happiness. Or at least it equals a good life and no fighting. Because there were times that my dad didn’t even have twenty dollars—it was that crazy, and I just knew I did not want to end up like that.
Then I realized that was the mistake parents make with boys, because there are a lot of things you do have to do. I can’t have him becoming an abuser in any type of way. I can’t have him becoming incompetent and eventually making a female counterpart pay for that. I have to make sure that he knows how to do things for himself, knows the value of things, and ultimately just keeps it in his pants.
It just feels really unfair. I think, for a long time, I stopped believing that everything was going to get better, that God was real, all those things. Over anything else that’s ever happened to me, this is what shook me to my core, where I feel like I haven’t been the same ever since.It changed my relationship with everything. I feel just a profound sense of emptiness, a void in my soul. And I think I always had a void, but this made it way more jarring.
I want to make my art, have some more art shows, and let the art speak for myself. But I know that probably won’t happen for a while. So I’m just going to go with the flow and show up where I can. Because I neverto be famous. I just knew that I would be. In my middle-school yearbook, someone wrote that I was most likely to be dead or to be really famous. That always stuck with me, because I overdosed so many times. I only wrote about two overdoses in the book—two or three.
I think it was partly the state of the world that we’re in, where there’s so much violence to women happening right under our noses. It feels like, how could I possibly give myself to a man now when men aren’t really standing up for us, right? It feels like they’re ops, you know? It feels like we need to stand our ground and not even look at them until they fix it, because ultimately they’re the fucking people who have the agency and the power.
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