This opinion piece explores the dangers of rigid 'non-negotiables' in relationships, using examples from the reality show 'Married At First Sight' to illustrate how demanding specific traits can lead to missing out on genuine connections. The author argues that flexibility and openness are essential for building lasting and fulfilling relationships.
Our parenting style when the kids were younger was that instead of rules there was just expected behavior modelled by us. Accordingly, all three are now mad for a drink and were inclined to be confused should non-negotiables be imposed. Dropping the boys at Tulla not long after they finished school, I swivelled in the car: “Nobody get a tattoo in Thailand. Ride scooters, do backwards somersaults into pools, get trolleyed every day – go nuts. But no tatts.
” Jack said nothing, just looked bemused and a bit smirky. Felix grabbed his bag: “Righto, old shagger. Safety first.” A fortnight later they were home. Both with fresh ink. It made me suspicious of the power of non-negotiables, a suspicion that has ramped up to quasi-obsession thanks to picky groom Eliot. In the show’s return this week, the man has shown he loves dealbreakers as much as he loves touching his own lady fringe. So much so that he quit the show and his new marriage in just 48 hours (though it may not be the last we see of him). Chatting to girlfriends this week or listening to the radio, the hot topic has been Eliot and his non-negotiables. Unless we’re discussing fellow groom Tim, whose standards are more Nostradamus-style. You don’t get told what they are until you’ve guessed wrong. Let’s unpack relationship non-negotiables as demonstrated by MAFS (screening on Nine, owner of this masthead), or as I call them, “How to die alone while maintaining impossibly specific standards.” If you haven’t caught MAFS yet, the season’s first drama is that Tim and Eliot are treating finding love on telly like it’s a Build-A-Bear workshop. Despite explaining what type of bride they ordered with the gravitas of someone announcing nuclear launch codes neither man is sophisticated with his wishes. Eliot (who needs to be told values are not the same as non-negotiables) basically demands a wife who is 25, wants 400 kids and abhors designer handbags. “… If my wife is super opinionated, judgemental, obnoxious, overly loud, I wouldn’t even finish the ceremony,” Eliot explained pre-wedding. Meanwhile, Tim – whose mum apparently never gave him the heads-up about bad tatts or the perils of fat-shaming when you’re on the chubbier side yourself – is out there with his height and weight requirements like he’s running quality control at a theme park: “Sorry, you must be this short to ride my emotional rollercoaster.” It makes the fellas as appealing as a call from the tax man. Yet Eliot and Tim’s reactions raise an interesting question: When do non-negotiables protect us from doomed relationships versus just making us insufferable? We’re taught to know what we want and chase it. That non-negotiables can save time, emotional labour and ugly divorces. That they suggest self-respect. But does a lack of flexibility mean you’re true to yourself or rather that you’ll miss out on potentially amazing life plot twists? When questioned, my husband claims not to have any non-negotiables: “When I was 14 I might have had an unconscious bias about red hair, but then I fell in love with Gillian Anderson. I’m not the best person to ask.” My friend Mia: “In my single days, if you had a date on the weekend and they said ‘I’ll call you’, the cut-off was Wednesday. Now, long fingernails and nose rings on men are 100 per cent non-negotiable. I don’t care if you’re Dave Grohl.” Unlike Eliot and Tim, I’ve never had a physical type but my blokes must be funny, be able to travel for a month with hand luggage and view banning gender-reveal parties as a hill to die on. And recognise that Where people like Eliot and Tim lose the plot is they treat connection as a risk-free investment with guaranteed returns. But the magic of relationships is they aren’t safe. They’re messy and unpredictable and require actual effort beyond expecting perfection. Maybe it’s time for them to negotiate with their non-negotiables. Because while they’re waiting for their petite-blonde-fertile-young dream partners, they might be missing out on someone who could make them forget why they had those requirements in the first place. That’s a love story I’d watch. One that doesn’t start with “they ticked all my boxes” but rather “I didn’t see this coming.” The Opinion newsletter is a weekly wrap of views that will challenge, champion and inform your own
NON-NEGOTIABLES RELATIONSHIPS MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT LOVE FLEXIBILITY CONNECTION
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