Why are some people so much more attracted to love that is withheld versus love and respect that are freely given?
, Rebecca West describes an actress, Sybil Fassendyll, who is in a difficult relationship with a man named Lord Essington. Essington has persuaded Sybil Fassendyll that she is stupid. He has convinced her also that she has no true acting talent. In fact, neither of these is true. Sybil is very observant , and she is capable of both recognizing talent in other actresses and of delivering powerful performances herself.
There is more than one possible explanation in cases such as this.
The self-esteem of both suffered, and the damage was reciprocal, because both accepted as well as imposed demands neither could fully embrace. The relationship became one in which two people in love with their own fictions grew resentful of the real other who inspired their visions of love. Importantly, in this case, the mistakes the two made, much more so than those of the person with Stockholm syndrome or West's Sybil, were understandable. The inauthenticwere not so utterly misguided that a reasonable person cannot see them as worth pursuing. In fact, they were not misguided at all, objectively speaking. One can, after all, always be more educated, funnier, more spontaneous, a better dancer, and so on.
The problem was not that those were bad goals to adopt but that they didn’t spring from the depths of the psyche, so there was no reason for the lovers to feel bad about failing to achieve them. The question, then, is not simply whether the standard another wishes to impose on us is good or bad but also whether it is one we would choose if not for the relationship.
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