It is difficult for adult children to navigate these changes, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. But it is difficult for your father too
‘The fact this life may soon be unworkable doesn’t oblige him to give it up now.’ Painting: War News by Louisa Starr Canziani.‘The fact this life may soon be unworkable doesn’t oblige him to give it up now.’ Painting: War News by Louisa Starr Canziani.I have recently been through the exhausting process of helping my dad sell the family home and downsize into an apartment.
I will be the one to have to pick up the pieces. He is never open to talking honestly about these topics and just jokes about it when I try. Why can’t he just move into a retirement village and stop this defensive posturing and denial of his actual position and status in life as an elderly person? There is no shame in acknowledging the truth, and there is dignity in accepting your fate with grace. Help me help him to see this!You asked your last question rhetorically but let me answer it.
You say he has unrealistic fantasies of the future, but it also sounds possible he’s trying to get the most from his present.You’re right that he is only going to age more and perhaps get less independent from here. I know how difficult that is to witness and to care for. But an acorn isn’t an oak tree. The fact this life may soon be unworkable doesn’t oblige him to give it up now.
What I heard in your letter was frustration and exhaustion about how much falls to you. Selling and downsizing is a huge job for you. It will be another huge job if he has to move again or needs high-involvement care. It’s natural to feel frustrated and burnt out and just plain sad about having to do this for your dad – having to parent your own parent.
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