Ignore the name-calling, says Philippa Perry. Instead, just say how you feel about how they seem to be feeling
Sun 19 Mar 2023 06.00 GMTI am stuck between two divorcing friends – and I don’t know how to cope. It’s horrible listening to them call each other names and degrading each other. If I push back and say, I don’t think X is insane, then I get a strip torn off me. The husband contacts me when he wants me to get his wife to do something – although he does it under the disguise of “I want some advice.” I told him I find this manipulative. He dismisses it as me being ridiculous.
Getting involved with the content is how you get sucked in, become over-involved and lose your ground. Engaging with their judgments – saying they are unfair or fair – is how you get more involved than you want to be and feel stretched in all directions. You can support them by noticing and feeding back to them what their process is. Let’s have an example. She angrily declares that her ex is a fool .
You’ve told them already you don’t want the name-calling, but they’ve continued, so ignore the name-calling and the judgments and, instead, just tell them how you feel about how they seem to be feeling. For example, “You seem determined about this” or “It sounds like you’d really like some answers about that.” A therapist would point out their cyclical patterns of behaviour to aid their self-awareness, but you don’t have to bother with that. You are a support, not a judge, nor a fixer.
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