“Grief is a cruel kind of education,” ChimamandaReal wrote, in 2020. “You learn how much grief is about language, the failure of language and the grasping for language.”
Okey and I went from Lagos to Abba. “Don’t tell anyone I’m coming,” I told my parents, to ward off visitors. “I just want a long weekend of bonding with you two.”
The photos from that visit make me weep. In the selfies we took just before Okey and I left, my father is smiling and then laughing because Okey and I are being goofy. I had no idea. I planned to be back in May for a longer visit so that we could finally record some of the stories he had told me over the years about his grandmother, his father, his childhood. He would finally show me where his grandmother’s sacred tree had stood.
Have T-shirts ever offered such escape? Often, I pause to cry. Often, I think about what he would think of them. He viewed my interest in fashion, especially my less conventional choices, with an accepting amusement. He once said, of a pair of balloon-cut trousers I wore to an event, “.” “Masquerade” is perhaps not the word I would have chosen, but I did see his point. He would approve of some of these T-shirts, I think.
It does not matter whether I want to be changed, because I am changed. A new voice is pushing itself out of my writing, full of the closeness I feel to death, the awareness of my own mortality, so finely threaded, so acute. A new urgency. An impermanence in the air.
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