Officials Brag That U.S. Military Has All The Different Kinds Of Guns

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Officials Brag That U.S. Military Has All The Different Kinds Of Guns
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ARLINGTON, VA—During a press conference Friday in which they touted the full breadth of their massive arsenal of firearms, Pentagon officials bragged that the U.S. military had all the different kinds of guns. “The really huge ones that have tons of bullets, but also the small ones you can hide and surprise people…

ARLINGTON, VA—During a press conference Friday in which they touted the full breadth of their massive arsenal of firearms, Pentagon officials bragged that the U.S. military had all the different kinds of guns.

“The really huge ones that have tons of bullets, but also the small ones you can hide and surprise people with—we havemany guns, and they can all shoot stuff and make people super dead,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who explained that some of the guns sounded like “pap-pap-pap-pap” while others sounded like “ka-,” and who imitated the sound of yet others by making a noise that involved lip trills and the projection of spittle.

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