Carolyn Hax: How to reject the advances of a recently widowed old friend?
First, rid yourself completely of the idea that turning down someone’s romantic offer is inherently hurtful or unkind.Story continues below advertisement
So think of it that way: He is asking you to give yourself to him, and you don’t want to. What’s wrong with no? Why are you supposed to “be nice” and “deflect his advances” when it’s your life we’re talking about?What you say, next time this comes up: “I am not interested in a relationship.” Kind remarks about his value to you as a friend can help but aren’t required. Only clarity is.
If he remains persistent after said clear statement, then tell him that’s not acceptable: “I said I was not interested. Respect my ‘no.’ ” Enforcement beyond that is through your companionship — meaning, you withdraw his access to it if he declines to show due respect.That a husband and father of young children has to go through this is terribly sad. But his sadness doesn’t give him any claim on anyone else.
In fact — this could fill another answer entirely — his reaching for you so persistently is so likely to be influenced by his grief that even if you were interested in him romantically, I would recommend your remaining at a platonic remove indefinitely. He’s got a lot of pain to sort out and a lot of healing to do. If he succeeds at panic-courting a stepmother to his children, then I foresee all five members of this reconstituted family living to rue that day.
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