6 signs that someone has developed a harsh and critical inner voice—and how they can begin to change it
, the punitive voice steps in to help. It’s as if the child is saying to the punitive voice, “You’re as close to a parent as I’ve got right now, so I’ll rely on you.” This can lead the child to feel that the punitive voice is actually protecting them from failure and harm. The punitive inner voice starts to gain influence, always promising safety and results. It’s like the punitive voice is saying to the child, “If you just feel bad enough, you’ll learn, and things will turn out better.
Remember, punitiveness is a repeating message we send to ourselves that we are not good enough. A hallmark trait of narcissists and gaslighters is that they present themselves to others as unfailingly successful, impressive, smart, and capable—exactly the qualities a person with punitiveness schema feels they lack. So, if you have punitiveness schema, you can feel drawn to the person who has all the qualities you want to have, in the hope that you can be more like them.
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