September Is a Summer Month. Stop Shoving Pumpkin Spice Lattes Down My Throat.
Oooh is that scary to read? Did you shiver under the mock turtleneck that you dug out of the back of your closet way too early? Are you quaking in the black ankle boots you’ve insisted on wearing, despite it still being 80 degrees out? I’ll write it again: September is a summer month. Technically, September is 75 percent summer anyways, as the first official day of fall isn’t until the 20th, idiots. That’s right, the law of nature is on my side.
We aren’t little kids who “go back to school” after “Labor Day” anymore. We are grown adults who have to Google “prescription strength antiperspirants” when the summer sun is still beating down on us in the ninth month of the year. And since when do kids have a say in running the schedule of the world? We literally tell them when they can eat, sleep, and cross the road. But you want to give them the power in telling me when I must stop having a [insert adjective] girl summer? Grow up.
and intravenous pumpkin spice treatments and just go to the beach a few more times before the seasonal depression kicks in. You freaks are so eager to say goodbye to the joys of summer, I have to wonder what you’re running from. Are you afraid of having a great time with your friends? Do tan lines scare you? Summer Fridays too much of a stray from your schedule? With the destruction of the world’s ozone layer comes the perfect opportunity to just sit by the pool a little bit longer.
And before you sycophants go tattle on me to the press and spin my story like one of those Flutterbye Flying Fairy Dolls, know that I’m not saying I hate fall. I actually like fall, but I like it to start in October—a solidly autumnal month. Timmy Clamchowder
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