AskPolly: “Should I simply give up trying to make them accept me? Should I be more accepting of them and their limitations? I’ll be an aunt soon and I don’t want to be cut out of their lives, but I don’t want to live as a ghost in theirs either”
Recently I tried to discuss the option of coming out to my grandfather with my sisters. They were supportive at first. They called a day later, together, to tell me that after thinking about it and discussing it, they think it is a bad idea. They told me that they think it will go down a worst-case-scenario route. Our grandpa is a preacher in the South. They have heard him speak disparagingly about the LGBTQ community. My mother, they said, would also pitch a fit.
My family thinks that I am selfish. And immoral. And that my gayness is a phase or the result of my depression. I’ve always been “too much” for them. A running joke in the family is, “What will she cry about this Christmas?” There is no water here. You can be TOO MUCH in every other part of your life, forever and ever — commit to it, live out in the open, do what you do unapologetically, scream it to the moon and back — without spending another hour sobbing by that empty well.
If you could show up and be too much without feeling ashamed of yourself, then I’d say go ahead, show up and be too much. But you’re still ashamed. You’re still afraid. You still need a lot — way more than anyone in your family can give you. And you’re still in denial about what they can and can’t give you. It seems like most of your family knows that you’re gay, but you still want to come out to the one person who’s sure to reject you for it.
I know that’s not what you want to hear. If I were you, hearing that would probably make me angry. I’d probably say, “Fuck you, you’re straight, what do you know?” And you should look to the LGBTQ community for more answers if you haven’t already, because there are many, many different perspectives on this. Plenty of people will tell you to do what you feel, and your family can either catch up or go fuck themselves.
That was a fantasy. My family was not capable of doing that job. Likewise, your relatives are the exact wrong people for this job you keep trying to get them to do. They are saying to you, very directly, “We are bad at this. We can’t do it.” Are they assholes? Did they grow up in a fucked-up culture? Are they terrible? Should they be excised from your life forever?
You blame yourself for everything. You know that, right? It’s not your fault. It started with them, the message that you weren’t enough. But now you’re repeating it to yourself, every day. That’s why you’re seeking absolution from your family. That’s why you’re living inside a fantasy of their forgiveness and love. But you don’t need their love and acceptance to feel free.
Do an experiment. For the next year, stop pushing them. Just show up and be present. Ask questions about their jobs. Ask your sister about her pregnancy. When your emotions come up, though, serve yourself by getting some distance. Go for shorter visits, and when you do visit, spend time with yourself and treat yourself with care. Respect your limits. Make sure that even though you can’t get what you need from them, you will give yourself what you need, no matter what. Protect yourself more.
It’s not that there aren’t triggers now and then. It’s not that you’re not VERY SAD at times, that you can’t get exactly what you want and need. It’s not that it’s super fucking easy to be around your family without spontaneously combusting. Family is hard, full stop.
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