This article explores the author's personal journey of self-discovery and the empowering lessons learned during her 15 years of singlehood. She shares insights on navigating dating culture, embracing self-worth, and finding joy in independence.
I've been dating since I was 21 and it has taught me a lot about friendship, hope, heartache and myself. Here are the greatest lessons (and joys) of solitude. 'Why are you still single?' Over the past 15 years, I’ve fielded many variations of this question. I’m in my mid-30s and I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 21.
Even after a decade and a half, this question feels as if I’m being asked: 'What’s wrong with you? Are you sure you’re trying hard enough?' But being 'single' isn't quite the full story: I’ve been going on dates the entire time, observing the many seismic shifts in dating culture. Here are 15 things I’ve learned from 15 years of singlehood. Rather than feel as if I’m lacking in some way, that I’ve “left it too late”, or missed the boat entirely, I look at this era of being single with the knowledge that it’s played a pivotal role in shaping the person I am today. I have learned many lessons along the way, some of them hard-won as a result of heartbreak, others born out of deep late-night conversations with friends. Crucially, many pearls of wisdom have slowly revealed themselves over time – and I wouldn’t have got to this point without having gone on my own personal journey.I’m 'still' single because I haven’t yet found what I deserve. I am looking for someone who is emotionally available, who can meet my needs and whose needs I can meet, too. I want romance, friendship, shared private jokes, contagious laughter. I want a co-conspirator, someone to share secrets with, someone who knows (and loves) my flaws, someone who wants me to succeed, someone whose success I will rejoice in, whose wins I regard as my own. I don’t think what I’m looking for is unattainable, unrealistic or delusional. My brother and his wife are one such example – when we’re in our family home together, I can hear their laughter through the walls separating our bedrooms. My parents have been happily married for 40 years – they are each other’s best friends. I want what they have and I won’t settle for any less.'What if he doesn’t like me?' I asked my mum over the phone as I got ready for a date. 'Who cares?' she replied. 'What about: do you like them? Are they right for you? Are they good enough?' It was the talking-to I needed. I had been so focused on wanting to be liked, so worried about the idea of being rejected, I hadn’t considered that my feelings also matter when seeking connection. These words have stuck with me, prompting me to think of my worth and to act in accordance with it. If I don’t find the kind of love that I’d like to have, I’ve made peace with that. I won’t feel incomplete. I have a great life as it is – romantic partnership is not an essential. The pop culture I grew up with in the 00s made me think that being a single woman in her mid-30s who lives alone would be an embarrassing, spinster-like state. But the reality is delicious. When I went home to my parents’ house for Christmas, I was reminded of just how accustomed I am to living life on my own terms. As my father put on the umpteenth rerun of Midsomer Murders followed by Inspector Morse, I realised how much I love being in control of the TV remote. Living in flatshares in London in my 20s gave me an appreciation for my own space that I won’t forget in a hurry. I can sleep like a starfish in my bed (without the sound of someone snoring next to me), take long baths in the middle of the day, and if I don’t feel like doing the dishes I can leave them until the morning (don’t judge me). Perhaps one day I’ll have to learn to share the remote, but for now I’m going to relish pleasing myself. I used to equate thinness with being worthy of love. If someone dumped me, the inner critic in my head would pipe up and say: 'You should lose weight.' I listened to that voice for years, denying myself the foods I loved, living a life of restraint in the name of unrealistic beauty standards. But when I hit my mid-30s, I decided to call time on self-loathing. I now believe that the right person will love me for who I am. Capitalism and diet culture bombard us with messages telling us to 'optimise' our looks and defy the natural process of ageing. Choosing to accept, embrace and love your appearance just as you are is a radical act of resistance.I have looked back on past dating experiences with judgment more times than I care to remember. I’ve blushed while recalling how I behaved when I sensed that a breakup was coming. A therapist helped me sift through the complicated feelings I had about my past self and encouraged me to look at 'old Rachel' with compassion and kindness. I was figuring things out, doing the best I could with the resources available to me at the time. Instead of reproaching your former self for acting in a way you now disapprove of, celebrate how far you’ve come and the healing that has happened since
Singlehood Dating Self-Discovery Relationships Independence Self-Worth
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