Gender expert Kate Mangino tracked down 40 men who did their fair share of work in the home to find out if they had anything in common – or whether there is a formula for getting the balance right
started studying men whom she calls “equal partners” – those who do an equal share of domestic labour – she was hoping to unearth some kind of common truth. She was looking for something that would explain why they were relatively unusual, maybe even something to help a future partner spot one in the wild. “It was a disappointment, to be honest,” she says, with a laugh.
In same-sex relationships, domestic labour is more equal, “but can still fall back into those roles”, says Mangino . But if you didn’t have those conversations early on, your domestic load is unbalanced and you want to change it, what do you do? Mangino says change is possible, but “you need both partners to be interested. What’s difficult is when one partner wants change and the other is happy with the status quo – a lot of people in the female role are in that situation. It’s disheartening, and resentment builds up.
It will probably involve realistic expectations and compromise, particularly if you have different standards. “One of my husband’s triggers is when the kitchen is a mess, [whereas] I’m quite happy to close the door and tackle it tomorrow,” says Mangino, who will make an effort to tidy the kitchen if she can. “It’s just those little thoughtful actions that say: ‘I know you well and I care enough about you to do this for you.’ I don’t mind the dirty kitchen, but I hate it when my bed is unmade.
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