The Australia Law Reform Commission will soon report on its review into justice responses to sexual violence. Here are three first-hand accounts of what it’s like to seek justice
‘Justice to me – the reason I reported and what I wanted – was just to make sure that this didn’t happen to anyone else.’Amira’s story: ‘It was significantly more traumatic than the actual rape’The DPP told me that my case was cut and dried. In terms of a sexual violence trial, it felt like we had a solid case. Prior to the trial, I received a plea offer. But I really wanted to push through.
I would just zone out on the chairs at the back of the room – that’s the only thing I could look at with my rapist sitting on the other side of the room. So I’m looking at the back, at the chairs, thinking that I probably appear unemotional. I’m highly cognisant of how each of my actions could be interpreted by everyone in the room.If you don’t cry, you’re unemotional and manipulative. It’s demoralising.
It seemed as though everyone in that room was of the consensus that by entering that apartment, I had consented. Period. It was a tortuous experience. I felt as though I was on trial and that I had been the one that committed a crime.There was a point in cross-examination where I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t speak. It felt like my nervous system completely shut down because, I mean, there is this man in a wig and a dress telling me these awful things for days in cross-examination, asking me these questions.
They took me into another room and I disclosed everything. And the police officer was actually really lovely. He said, “You should not feel bad about this.” It was a lot of emotional work and a lot of logistical work. I don’t think people understand living this dual life. I’m at work acting normal in a meeting, and I’ve got to run into a meeting room to respond to a text from a detective saying, “We found male DNA” or “How many other partners did you sleep with that week?”, “What clothes were you wearing?”
Questions during the trial came down to like, “Were you holding the door with your left hand or right hand?” And every time I said anything, they’re like, “And where was his penis?” And I had to repeat “In my vagina”.The rational part of me knew that this was procedural. This is how things work. It’s not about me, right? Like, there’s a bigger thing at play and don’t be sensitive. And the other part is, like, this is bizarre.
I don’t even like punitive measures. I think a lot of victim-survivors feel the number one thing you want is to be believed, and you don’t want them to do it to anyone else. It’s not punitive … or for attention, which is the most bizarre idea because there are so many ways to get attention that don’t involve getting emotionally murdered.
Like, big mistake, because if there’s one thing I could do, it was explain how I was feeling. And I was able to turn to the jury and say, “I’ve got PTSD. And as a part of a symptom of PTSD, I get these full body jolts, and I have flashbacks, and I remember things, but they also make me freeze, and I feel frozen in time.
Being believed by a jury freed me of the shame I had been carrying. Now I know the community is a safer place and that I did the best I could in making that happen.Illustration: Adam Parata/The Guardian It was quite a lengthy investigation. I never really knew exactly what was going to come out of it. They said to me, “You know, it could be unlikely we even get to trial because not many cases do; we’ve got to get past the DPP. And even then, if you do go to trial, it’s unlikely that he’ll get found guilty because not many do.”I think it was like a year-and-a-half to go to court. I just kept thinking to myself, “This isn’t my case any more.
You’re not really meant to talk to anyone – the majority of my family and close friends were the ones that I had first told about the assault. So they were the witnesses. You weren’t meant to have any interaction with the witnesses throughout the whole trial. So I was in a hotel room by myself, couldn’t see my family, couldn’t see my friends. I was so terrified of doing anything wrong.
For the defence team to then gaslight me as well. They were like, “Why did you report? You wanted an apology, didn’t you?” I remember – before I went through a lot of this – reading cases that were in the media or following the Johnny Depp case and being like, “oh, what’s Amber talking about?”
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