While it is certainly important to know how to secure a baby in a car seat or navigate nights during yet another soul-sucking sleep regression, there is also an unspoken list of true parenting milestones.
Yes,"Screaming into the void," we're looking at you.
Lose every ounce of modesty, shame or shyness regarding public nudity after you've either given birth in front of total strangers, had your insides pulled to your outsides so your baby could enter the world or ripped off a vomit-covered shirt in the middle of a crowded street. Body autonomy is for the child-free.
Become fully acquainted with the entire"Cocomelon" catalogue and"Songs for Littles" soundtrack and recoil in horror as you hear yourself speaking in a Ms. Rachel impersonation. Remember when you swore your toddler wouldn't watch TV? Ha. Frame said finger painting and hang it where your once beloved, one-of-a-kind travel souvenir once lived. Who needs non-Fisher Price home décor when you have this monumental poop painting? Not you, apparently.
Promise yourself you’d only let your child listen to Mozart and Yo-Yo Ma only to have them memorize every word of “Back That Azz Up” by Juvenile.Become an investor in the one brand of frozen chicken nuggets your child dares to consume. Marvel at how your freezer once stored things like “ice” and “bottles of vodka.”
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