One in Three People Learned Difficult Conversations, Relationships Australia NSW Finds

New research from Relationships Australia NSW shows only one in three people learned how to have difficult conversations growing up, a gap that partly explains why about one in six Australians feel lonely often or very often. The organisation has launched an awareness campaign and experts say these skills can be learned.

New research released today by Relationships Australia NSW (RANSW) has found that only one in three people effectively learnt how to have difficult conversations when they were growing up.

The report suggests this missing skill partly explains why about one in six Australians say they feel lonely often or very often. To address this, RANSW has launched an awareness campaign. Robert Waldinger's Harvard Longitudinal study, spanning 80 years, attempted to answer a question that has occupied humans for centuries: what makes a good life? The answer, according to his research, is that good relationships keep us healthier and happier.

Elisabeth Shaw highlights social health challenges

Like physical health, social health and relationships take nurturing. Yet relationships are often overlooked when we think about looking after our health, and the new research suggests few people feel equipped with the skills to sustain good ones. Elisabeth Shaw, chief executive of RANSW, says many lonely people are actually in a relationship. They could be feeling lonely because of all the things they are not able to say, she says.

The stereotype of a couple out at dinner that have nothing to say to each other is often wrong, she adds: it is often that they have so much to say to each other that they dare not open their mouth. Instead of broaching a challenging conversation and risking conflict, they opt for less intimacy and connection. Prue Gillespie is a perennial optimist. It has its upsides, including the belief that everything will be alright in the end.

But it can also mean sweeping issues under the rug, thinking they will blow over. And it does, right? says the 39-year-old senior communications specialist. The challenge with that, she says, is that things have a cumulative effect in a relationship, and just waiting for something to blow over can actually make it blow up.

Prue Gillespie shares difficult conversation experience

The Brisbane-based mum of two has had to navigate wildly difficult conversations in the last two years, and says the ability to do so well is never taught. It has been a steep learning curve that Gillespie feels grateful for today because it has led to deeper understanding and connection. Being honest and transparent, and coming from a place of love and care and peace, is really important for fostering those relationships, she says.

But she wonders whether seeking help to cultivate those skills earlier, before issues became critical in past relationships including her decade-long marriage, might have changed how things turned out. Auerbach refers to a study by relationships researcher John Gottman that followed people's marriages for 14 years. What predicted the break-up of some couples was a loss of warmth and connection. They had drifted apart and stopped really talking, says Auerbach.

So avoiding hard conversations can look peaceful, but it is often a slower road to a break-up, he says. The good news, he says, is that these conversations can be learnt. When couples can name their deeper needs for more connection, for recognition and positive regard, or for a shared vision of the future, it can draw them closer, he says.

Shaw warns about parental concerns on accountability

Shaw warns that a lot of parents are so concerned about their child or young person feeling badly, or trying to save them from any kind of negative feelings, that they are not fostering personal accountability or personal reflection. It means we grow up believing everything is someone else's fault. The culture we are in at the moment around grievance harvesting means we are often preoccupied with the problem of the other person, she says.

The antidote is becoming aware of what we are bringing to a difficult situation, and of anything we could be doing differently. There is never a right time to have hard conversations, says Shaw. There is often good intent when people avoid them: they do not want to ruin the evening, they recognise they are both tired or stressed or busy.

But what is a strength, which is trying to be kind and not loading your partner up at the wrong time, is also partly about avoidance, she says. The trick is knowing when you are doing that out of kindness and sensibleness and maturity because that is life, and when you are actually avoiding something that is a risk factor for the future. Most couples are fighting about needs they are struggling to put into words, says Auerbach.

Auerbach explains criticism as loneliness in disguise

For example, he says, criticism is very often loneliness in disguise. Someone has been waiting for their partner to come home and is feeling a bit isolated. They do not register it as loneliness, they register it as irritation with their partner. Instead of saying I have missed you, can we spend some time together, it comes out as Why are you always on your phone or Why do I have to do everything around here.

The need underneath it is for attention, interest and affection, but what arrives is a complaint. Cutting to the chase of how we feel is what Shaw refers to as finding a soft entry point that can create connection instead of distance. Say something that could be really important to you both, rather than, I have got 55 examples of how you are distant from me. Differences are to be managed, not eradicated, says Shaw.

At their best, couples grow together, she says. One tolerates more openness and the other chooses their moment a bit better. The couples that get stuck are the ones that end up in binaries, it is my way versus your way, but if they are able to soften that, then the content of the conversation is often workable. The key is to be brave enough to talk honestly and openly, with good intention when an issue arises.

And to do it in an accountable way, not an accusatory way, says Shaw, so that it is always about that balance of self-reflection and speaking up for the good of the relationship, rather than speaking up with your set of complaints. It is also being open to feedback, because that is how couples can keep growing together rather than drifting apart.

Compiled from 3 sourcesCompiled by HeadTopics editors by cross-checking the verified news reports listed here.

smh theage:Two in three people never learnt this skill that saves relationships brisbanetimes:Two in three people never learnt this skill that saves relationships

This story was compiled and edited by the HeadTopics newsroom and HT AI from the reports above.

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