.elainehsiehchou writes that white men's darkest thoughts on Asian women have obsessed her for years. Now, with the spike in violence against Asian women, her private fear has become a public one
Photo: Reinhard Krull / EyeEm/Getty Images This essay contains graphic descriptions of murder, sexual violence, and racist language used online.
I wasn’t a stranger to white male “expats” preying on Asian women. At the English school where I taught, all my white male co-workers exclusively dated or were married to Taiwanese women. In the teacher’s room, as we graded homework and prepped for classes, they never spoke about Asian women. At least, not in front of me. But after hearing the two men on the train, I realized I couldn’t assume anything about what they thought. After all, it’s my absence that makes all the difference.
A lengthy manifesto on a related blog declared that Asian women are destined “to be slaves to the White man.” It outlined 12 commandments Asian women must follow, including swearing to never let an Asian or Black man touch her.
I wanted these men identified. I wanted their thoughts broadcasted above their heads. Because how can I move through the world knowing that the men who think these thoughts are real? They’re subway riders, salesmen, police officers, teachers, bosses, friends. They’re someone’s father. They’re someone’s husband. They’re someone’s lover.
I felt nauseous combing through each article, but I was possessed — even when I was physically trembling, I couldn’t stop. I felt I owed it to these women, that my discomfort was the least I could offer up to their suffering. In Minor Feelings, Cathy Park Hong questions why Theresa Hak Kyung Cha’s brutal 1982 murder was severed from her rape, as though they two had no connection: “no one admits that Cha was also raped, an omission so stubborn I had to consult court records to confirm that she was also sexually assaulted.”
These questions obsessed me because they spoke to my own latent fears. When I was 17, a 22-year-old white man took me to his bedroom and produced a box of photos of his ex-girlfriends. He flipped through them while reciting their respective ethnicities: “Vietnamese, Korean, Chinese, Japanese …” Another time, a white man pulled over in his car in broad daylight and, when I looked in the window, his pants had been yanked down to his ankles. He grinned at me as he furiously masturbated before he asked, “Do you want to —” I didn’t hear the rest of his question. Again I screamed at the top of my lungs and ran, not stopping until I saw his car drive away.
More tragedies followed: Michelle Alyssa Go was pushed onto the subway tracks and died. Christina Yuna Lee was followed into her home and stabbed to death. A white man assaulted seven different Asian women in a single day. “It was a little surprising that it was him,” the employee who identified the culprit said. “He’s usually kind of quiet and to himself.” Not all of these perpetrators were white.
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