“I used to think that all I needed to do to be loveable was to become better,” writes dating columnist AnnieLord8. “But I’ve done all of those things and people still look at me and walk away.”
I wasn’t sure what that was until I was back in Leeds recently, in a bar my best friend Vicky likes because it plays rock music and that I hate for precisely the same reason. A guy I like who I used to work with came over to our table and asked me, “Now then, what you doing back here?”. There was no space so I pulled him down on my knee and felt calmer as if I were dozing under a weighted blanket.
I used to think that all I needed to do to be loveable was to become better. Told myself once I sort my hair it will be different, once that article goes up on the internet, once I buy that corset. But I’ve done all of those things and people still look at me and walk away.
A few nights later I was on the dancefloor of a club and disco lights were spotting over my face like I was moving through the solar system and a song played that everyone else seemed to like but I had never heard of and despite my smile I felt sadness crash over me like a big wave. I dragged one of my friends out to the smoking area and told her how defeated I was feeling. How I wasn’t sure what more I could do. How knowing that makes me feel hopeless.
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