ST. PAUL, MN—In a shockingly selfish pattern of behavior that has occurred repeatedly over the past six months, local 8-year-old and whiny brat Sean Cooper has continued his habit of interrupting his parents with his pleas for them to stop screaming at each other, sources reported Thursday.
Sean, who has an extensive history of not minding his own business, apparently cannot display the common courtesy of keeping his mouth shut as his parents, Robert and Karen Cooper, loudly discuss Robert's short temper and Karen's controlling nature at the family dinner table, or in the middle of the living room late at night when Sean is supposed to be in bed sleeping.
"I wish I could make them not fight anymore," he continued, perhaps too self-absorbed to realize that whatever his parents happen to be discussing from moment to moment is absolutely none of his concern, and that children should never, under any circumstances, try to involve themselves in the business of adults. "I hope they don't get a divorce.
While clutching his stuffed animal and staring morosely at his feet like some sort of sulking, grade-school prima donna, Sean then reportedly proceeded to take up another 45 seconds of his parents' valuable time explaining in needlessly long-winded detail that it made him sad when they fought, never once stopping to take note of how utterly self-indulgent he was sounding, or how his outburst might be construed as utterly inappropriate given the fact that his parents had been in the midst of...
After trying to present his parents with a rather condescending and manipulative colored-pencil drawing he had made of the three of them standing outside their house with big smiles on their crudely rendered faces, Sean told reporters in a trembling voice that can only be described as immensely irritating that he didn't "know who to talk to" about the situation with his parents, as though blabbing his mouth off about the lives of others were ever a wise idea.
"I should just run away," added Sean, positing his first sensible thought in years. "Maybe that would make everything better."At press time, Sean was most likely feeling sorry for himself and finding a way to make everything all about him, just as he always does.
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