For Sandra Thom-Jones and many other autistic women, a romantic endeavour can be the ultimate masking experience
My first “romance” was when I was about 14 years old. My older sister was a bit of a party person at the time and one weekend, when our parents were away, she invited a group of friends over. This was also my first experience drinking alcohol . I hung out on the edge of the party, not wanting to miss out but not knowing how to engage.
We went to the same high school, so this was exactly how I understood relationships were meant to work. Each lunchtime, I would head over to the place he hung out with his friends and spend the lunch break thinking how cool I was to have a boyfriend. I was shattered. My first boyfriend, and here I was being unceremoniously dumped after only a few weeks.If social relationships are tricky for autistic people, then romantic relationships are like walking through a minefield in size 13 boots with your eyes closed.
That movie really struck a chord with me. When I look back on my relationship history, I underwent a similar process in each relationship as I tried to be the person my partner wanted me to be. Eventually, after a number of failed relationships, I decided it was all too complicated and I was much better off staying single. Then I met the man who became my husband.
I did not have the same lightning moment, perhaps because, unlike Maggie but like so many other autistic people, I wasn’t only masking who I was in romantic relationships, I was also hiding my real self at work, with friends, with family, and even from myself.Eventually, after a number of failed relationships, I decided it was all too complicated and I was much better off staying single. Then I met the man who became my husband. Our relationship began in much the same way as others I’d had.
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